GETINHERHEAD BLOG

Great Marriage Quote

 "We took our time [preparing for marriage], we looked forward to it; didn’t want to run into something and have nothing to count on but love...”
- Aunt May, Spiderman 3

Ok, yes... Aunt May is a fictional character. This does not diminish the wisdom of the words or message.

I've had this type of discussion with several people, all of whom I count as friends. Most relationships start because of love yet stay together for many other reasons, the most powerful of which is commitment. You are committed to showing the other you care for the other, want them to succeed, and remain committed to the relationship, even when you want to throw the dirty socks at each other.

I wish someone pulled you aside from 9th to 12th grades and taught you what it required to be a good husband, good wife, good parent. This training would stop a lot of problems from rearing their ugly mugs.

Our families (and neighbors) used to provide this training to their children through example. Certainly, there were exceptions. But, on the whole, American family life prior to the 60's was happy and stable.

Traditional (termed 'traditional' because they had proven to work well over a great deal of time and across cultures) family values used to be reinforced not just by the family but by the culture around it. People starting a life together knew what it took to be successful. Love, while important, was just one reason and, perhaps, not the most important.

How did they know? Their parents showed them. Their grandparents told them. And, yes, even TV and the comics reinforced the message.

We've got to get back the ideas of commitment to marriage rather than the popular -isms of the day. Instead of environmentalism, vegetarianism, or science-ism, maybe we should focus on those things that make the most difference in our society.

I'm siding with Aunt May; I'm for strong-marriage-ism. Who's with me?

Hat tip: SmartMarriages.com

Valentines Day Challenge

Kate did something incredibly corny (that I really enjoyed) for me 8 years ago that we should have turned into a business: an Adventine Card.

Imagine one of those Advent calendars you see around Christmas time. Each date you open a little window and it has either a fun saying or toy or something.... The kids love'em (and so do overgrown ones like me.)

Anyway, Kate made one for me - the 14 different things she loved about me. Granted, we were dating at the time. (Something she didn't know at the time was that I had already bought the engagement ring. Obviously, the Adventine was not a deal breaker.)

So, here is a different idea for you to do for your loved one this Valentines Day. You can either make up a whole big card (here are some instructions for those less crafty) or simple leave notes, 1 a day, until Valentines Day.

Ladies, write 14 things that you appreciate about your man. It'll make him feel like a good provider and protector. (I realize that it may seem neanderthal-like but, deep down, that is about as good as it gets for us guys.)

Guys, write 14 things that you love and appreciate about your lady. Show her that you actually do listen and notice all those great little things and big things she does for you. Daily. Without being asked.

Just an idea on something a bit different to do this year. Enjoy!

Just for Fun

Don't know anything about Oren Lavie but this is one darn cool video and a great song. Enjoy!

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Your Mind Don't Hear "Don't"

I'm a big fan of Seth Godin. He's got a lot of simple, well thought out things to say, most of which involve your relationship with a customer. Sometimes, though, these rules spark my thoughts on relationships.

Today's note is about goals which got me to thinking about my high school gym teacher. Coach Mattox, who I count as one my roll models, used to say "Your mind don't hear don't."

"Don't miss this shot" leads to missing the shot.
"Don't kick it out of bounds" leads to a fly away.
"Don't hit it in the water" leads to....

You get the picture. Rather than focusing on the action you want to happen, using "don't" before anything causes that to happen.

Early in relationships, being nervous about screwing up may be cute. That honeymoon doesn't last very long.

Too many people in relationships think about "not screwing up." Whether it is getting the right gift, remembering an important date, or saying the right thing, you set yourself up to fail (or certainly perform less fabulously) by starting out with "Don't...."

I'm not saying the world is rosy and that everything will go right by leaving "don't" out of your vocabulary. I'm just suggesting that focusing on what you want to happen, rather than what you don't, leads to better results. Especially if you don't want to screw up....

Must Read Book Alert!!

I'm very thankful to have worked with a largely Jewish population in a previous life. Their generousity and patience with me as I learned their culture has been a big benefit in my life. It opened my eyes to a different way of looking at the world and a whole new host of teachers from whom I now learn.

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach is one of these teachers. In his new book, The Kosher Sutra, Rabbi Boteach gets to the bottom line issue with most marriages, the lack of desire, and ways to combat the problem 

He talks about the need for an electric curiousity of life. In other words, an erotic outlook on life. If you'd like to hear it his own words, here you go.

Many of the statistics in the book are startingly, especially to a relatively young man. One that really is surprising: One third of all marriages are platonic. Wow....

There are a number of valuable pieces of advise for anyone in a relationship or anyone raising adolescent children. (Two sources of problems: the easy access to abundant free porn and early sexual relationships.)

If you are interested in rekindling a bit of passion in your relationship, The Kosher Sutra is a great starting point.

A Bigger Purpose

It is very easy to get caught up in the hype and think only about the big things. A new direction for a nation. A time for change. A hope for the future.

These are inspiring times. Reading over President Obama's inauguration speech, his call for service to a purpose greater than ourselves is unmistakable. My favorite passage:

"But those values upon which our success depends - hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism - these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths."

One thing that seems to get lost in all this inspiring rhetoric and visions are the details of personal responsibility and action. President Obama is calling for a return to these traditional values.

How does this apply to relationships?

The moment you enter into a relationship, 'me' becomes 'we.' Many times, this change is formalized in front of friends, family, the state, and a higher power. Your life is no longer simply your own. Your choices effect someone else. Every action. Every choice. Every word. They all affect someone in your life. It's no longer about just you. You're a part of something bigger.

Are you acting like it?

What would happen if you took the values President Obama states above and apply them to your relationship? What if your neighbors did the same? What would become of your neighborhood, town, state, country if everyone were to act this way?

I'm not sure but I bet the result would be pretty damn spectacular.

Good Luck, President Obama

Every four year, our country has the opportunity to take a new direction in a major way. Sometimes, most people agree with where we need to go. Other times, it's big a argument.

I'm a big fan of constructive discussions. I believe in fair argument. As long as the result is something we can all live with and there is clarity and honesty in the discussion, bring it on.

Change can lead to hope. Change can lead to catastrophe. A lot depends on how the constituents act following the decision. Do they work for the best purpose, the common good, using patience, fortitude, and wisdom? Or do they sit back and think (wrongly) the hard work is done and change for the better will just happen?

I'm happy marriages don't have elections, though I feel there should be a lot of debates. And, the two parties better agree on those items most important to their life together. Otherwise, the fighting is more dangerous and damaging than the partisan attacks in our capital buildings.

I hope President Obama serves our nation with wisdom, self responsibility, honesty, and humility. I hope I serve my wife in the same manner. Not for 4 or 8 years, but for the rest of my life.

It's a lofty goal but a worthy one. Good luck, President Obama. And good luck to us all.  

Finding Mr. or Mrs. Right

A three year old just asked me who he should marry.

"I should probably marry Mom." No, I said, I beat you there. "How about Margie?" No, your grandfather got you there as well. Sorry....

Thankfully, Kate stepped in. Her advice: "You want to marry someone who's your best friend, who you trust, and who makes you laugh."

Now, why couldn't I say that? That's exactly what happened to me and yet I couldn't bring it out.

In this world of infinite choices and long tails, there are few simple decisions. Deciding to ask Kate the question was an easy one for me. Still is.

With a month to go until Valentines Day, I hope you are feeling the same way.  It's not about all the options. It's about making the right choice. And living up to it.

Have a great weekend, everyone. 

A Bad Economy and Relationships

Before our wedding, Dr. Harp sat us down to talk about the three most important influences on a marriage: sex, family, and money.

"You've got to be up front and honest with each on all of these subjects throughout your entire marriage. If not, you'll be sitting on a three legged stool with only two legs."

Good advice.

With the economy tanking and people losing their jobs left and right, I'll bet a lot of relationships are going to sour. As Billy Ray Valentine said, a lack of money can certainly cause a problem in a relationship. Especially from the guy's perspective.

Why? Because more than just about anything else, we men want to be judged as good providers. If we aren't bringing home the bacon, or feel that we are providing, it'll bring pressure to the relationship. And, as with anything else, pressure shows you where weaknesses lie.

There are two things that will help us (the guys) get over this problem. First, your (a wife or girlfriend) faith in us. Secondly, our faith in something greater than ourselves.

Of course, this advice only applies if your husband or boyfriend has some faith of a higher power and gives credence to the whole personal responsibility gig. 

If you've got money troubles, take solace in that you are not alone. After that second is over, rely in your loved one for comfort. Then, while enjoying that strength, go out and do something about it.

Remember, money doesn't buy happiness. Even when you can make a dress out of it.

Relationship Resolutions

Ok. I'm guilty. Not one of my original, spoken AND written down resolutions had anything to do with my wife. Nope. Not one. They were all about me.

• 100 push ups a day, check. (Thanks for that, Schaefer.)
• Finish a draft on a new book for boys. Got it.
• Complete my first mission trip. Signed up and already have my shots.

I'm a big believer in setting goals for oneself and sticking to them. The start of a New Year is certainly as good a time as any for that.

But shouldn't one of those goals always have something to do with the relationship you enjoy with your wife/husband/significant other? That relationship had a HUGE effect on my life and the lives of my children. (Not to mention my wife.)

So, based on further thought, I'm making an amendment. I resolve that Kate will have the opportunity to take the same amount of playtime I get each week for golf or something else. Fair is fair. I know that would make her happy which, in the end, makes me happy. (Dang, is this about me again?)

So, the question is: What are you going to do in your relationship this year? Be intentional. Be specific. Like Dr. Rotella told me many years ago, goals need to be SMART - specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time bound.

So, what are you waiting for? Get to it!

Happy New Year!

Gift Mission - Success or Failure?

So? How'd it go? Now that holiday season is behind us, does anyone have any great (or terrible) gifting stories to share? While we learn best from our own experience, it IS possible to learn from others. (That is why we were supposed to learn History in high school....)

So, fess up the good, the bad, and the ugly from this holiday season. What can we learn from your successes, your beautiful surprises, your laugh-out-loud terrible gifts, and those that were down right unthoughtful.

Happy New Year everyone!